I was surviving, not living. I had been complacent for years and convinced myself that I was happy or content enough for now. I dedicated my waking hours to my career, to being a mom and running a household. I strived to be perfect, to make everything as perfect as I could for anyone in my circle. I had successfully functioned with my high anxiety for decades but I was losing my touch. I was tired of it all. I was exhausted by my own excuses and the never-ending expectations. Change was necessary and I was ready.
Even at my heaviest, I saw myself as beautiful however I was sensitive to photos and environments that could have the potential to make me question it. I never saw myself as “big” and I think I’m glad that I had this confidence for those first years of my son’s life. Being “secure” did prevent me from taking action sooner but I do strongly believe that every woman should feel beautiful at any size.
I returned to the gym in May 2021 to not recognize myself. I wasn’t the “fit” person I always prided myself on being. My genetically sculpted biceps weren’t anything special anymore and I was immediately uncomfortable. I was overweight and embarrassed.
Luckily, I had hired an amazing trainer that never made me feel inadequate but did hold me accountable. In the beginning, I remember making excuses about failing to get to the gym outside of our sessions or why my diet had not changed.
He would question me and I would deflect through humor or reiterated how busy I was each day. I complained a lot and tested his patience. I must admit that even I was tired of my whining. Fortunately, despite not changing my lifestyle, a few sessions per week kicked off my transformation.
After about 2 months of training, I committed to lifting 5x per week but this was primarily triggered by finding out I was moving back to California. Insecurities immediately surfaced and fears of how I’d feel in a place where vanity takes the crown drove me to double down on my commitment.
Before I moved, I told my trainer that I wanted to compete in Bikini bodybuilding in 2022. He offered his full support and we started to make a plan on how I’d accomplish my goal.
I was heartbroken leaving Arizona after building a life there for 6 years. The move was sudden and most of the people around encouraged me to dismiss my sadness. There’s nothing worse than grieving and having your pain invalidated.
I channeled my anger, frustration and sadness into reps at the gym. I trained virtually and never missed a workout even though it would have been easy to offer excuses, to regress. We added cardio for the 6th day workout. Progress seemed impressive and insignificant at the same time but I kept showing up.
The workouts were changing my body but it was time to change my food. In October, I hired a nutritionist and started counting macros. I didn’t even eat leftovers before I began meal prep. Cardio was increased to 5x per week so I had 4 days of double workouts. Every day I chose to do it, even though no one but me would know.
I lost 15 lbs in 2 months and continued to build more muscle. I had officially become a different size and this is when everyone really noticed I had changed.
In November, I hired an IFBB 2x Olympia posing coach. I was mortified but I put a smile on as she broadcast our session on social media. Posing quickly became the most difficult part of my new routine. “I am terrible but I will become good” is how I left the first two sessions. You’d think the discomfort of contorting your body in 5 inch heels would be the worst of it but the harder part was feeling like my progress wasn’t good enough. I didn’t like how I looked in person and certainly not in the upward angle photos (to mimic what judges see). Talk about torture!
I began practicing every day in heels and improved drastically by our third session. I’ve continued to feel more secure and accepting of the posing lesson images.
So who have I become in the last 6 months?
A better version of myself: mentally, emotionally and physically.
I prioritize me.
I choose everyday to be
consistent.
I set goals and support them with daily actions.
I dismiss others’ negativity and doubts.
I am grateful and I am proud.
I’m excited to share my journey with you and hope my story inspires the motivation you need to accomplish whatever you are after. Let’s conquer and smile together!
Cheers to 2022.
Xoxo,
Bicep Blonde